i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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