doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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