; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
