I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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