and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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