i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
