I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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