sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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