After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
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She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
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It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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