She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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