Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
