smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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