omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
