____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
