I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
