but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
