the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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