You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Randomize
