Dude my mom stole all your condoms
look no pants
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
