He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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