You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
