yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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