She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
