Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
