is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How drunk are you?
Completed.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
