Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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