i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Houston, we have a squirter
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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