I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
