I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Who died my cat blue again?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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