The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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