I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
