Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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