dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
