john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
