how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
