I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
