fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
