youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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