Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I think i got beer on your cat.
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