Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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