did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
