We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
