i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There's always time for handjobs
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
