I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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