She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
