Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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