I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
