remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
babies were throwing up all over the place
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
How external is "for external use only"?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
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