You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
3pm strippers are depressing
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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