So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
