How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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