sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'd cum for enchiladas.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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