i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
