omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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