meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He keeps bees of course he's weird
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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