no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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