yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
