I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
