there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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