the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
