My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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