just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
