Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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