lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
