Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
